What's up, mother fuckers and mother fuckettes? Mikey Moose back in brown with the LPW Vertigo results. You know how it works by now, and if you don’t, feel free to eat a hot man-banana.

This set of Vertigo tapings was a lot different than all of the previous ones I have been to. I suppose that is to be expected, what with the attachment to the major All Stars event and all. There were a lot of hype packages and retrospectives aired to the live audience, and there ended up only being a single match on the card. But it was a hell of a match.


I’m not sure anyone knew how this one was going to play out when it was announced. Luckily, Kross made his way out to the stage to explain. This match was basically an open casting call to anyone on Pyro who hadn’t yet won a Redemption Match, and anyone on Insanity who had yet to qualify for the Redemption Rumble. He then went on to say that this match had no pinfalls, no submissions, no countouts, and no DQ’s, but would have a 15 minute time limit. The point of the match was for the participants to impress Mr. Kross, and at the end of the allotted time, he would announce who he felt was the winner of the encounter.

Kross then headed to the back to “observe very closely” and then the participants made their way out to the ring, complete with their entrance themes and all. We had no idea who was going to be in the match until it started, so here’s the rundown:

Kaiser Teiwaz – Makes sense here. Changing tides are the mother of reinvention, and this guy is looking to make a name for himself as he tries to shed his past life and fly on his own. Definitely not surprised to see him in this match.

Paul Brooks – Another one that makes sense here. Guy’s on Insanity scratching and clawing his way up from the bottom. If there’s anyone who has something he feels he needs to prove to the boss, it might be this guy.

Dick Dynamo – Here’s a guy that’s been in the thick of things lately. Surprised he hasn’t qualified already, actually. Still, he has a match against Nigel later in the night at All Stars, so I question the wisdom of jumping into the fray here in this match.

Ozzy Crerar – Holy shit, son! Ozzy in the house! This match will now officially not suck balls. This guy’s been a breath of fresh air on Insanity, and I think he’ll make one hell of a splash if he makes it into this Rumble.

Sean Jensen – And here’s your winner, folks. This guy has a chip on his shoulder the size of Mt. Rushmore, and he’s looking to prove himself to everyone and their mother. I’d be a little worried if I were the other dudes in this match.

Damien Blaze – New face in LPW, at least for me. He was around a ways back for a short trip, but didn’t stick around. Looks like he’s back at it. When the music hit, I had no idea who it was at first. I am interested to see what this guy can do. He’s a vamp, it seems, but as different from Bloodrose as night and day. Definitely intrigued here.

Looks like they were about to sound the bell, but got interrupted by another entrance.

Morpheus – You have GOT to be kidding me! The World Heavyweight Champion is about to compete in this match for his chance to enter the Redemption Rumble! The crowd is in shock, the competitors in the ring are in shock, the vendors are in shock, and I just peed a little!

Before the match starts, let me explain why I peed. First of all, he’s defending his Title against Big B. Brown at All Stars later tonight, and he’s stepping in the ring with six other dudes first. Six dudes that look like they are ready to rip him apart. I mean, what better way to impress the boss than to beat the World Heavyweight Champion, right?

Secondly, and here’s the big one. Say Morpheus wins Kross’ respect here tonight and gets to enter the Redemption Rumble. Now say he wins that Redemption Rumble and gets a shot at the International Heavyweight Title. Think ahead to Altered Reality VI. I have already been creaming my shorts at the prospect of a Morpheus vs. Tromboner Man Martinez Cup, but NOW imagine that match with the IHC ON THE LINE! Talk about the biggest match of all time! That would be beyond epic.

Book, it, people. Book it.

Anyway, Morph slides into the ring cautiously as the other six guys eye him harshly, and when the bell rings, the dam breaks loose. All six of these dudes just jump Morpheus and start attacking him mercilessly. This is where I was afraid this match was going to backfire for him, because there’s no way he’s getting out of here at 100%. These guys were really taking it to him for a solid couple of minutes. Morph finally started to fight back, nailing Brooks with a Dream Vortex before Jensen nailed him from behind with The Malpractice.

At this point, the match broke up into less organization and more chaos. With Brooks and Morph down, Blaze was going at it with Kaiser and Dynamo while Jensen was squaring off with Ozzy, who was very nicely holding his own. Brooks was up first and managed to make his presence felt in the fray by planting Dynamo with the PB Special while he was otherwise engaged. This led to Kaiser nailing Brooks with the Halo Effect, Blaze hitting Brooks with The Blaze of Death, and Jensen tossing Ozzy to the outside so he could get in on it by hitting Brooks with the Malpractice.

This is where things started to get really interesting. The three men from Pyro (at least that is where I am assuming Blaze will end up since that’s where he was before and that’s how he was behaving here) surrounded Brooks and started kicking him while he was down. Morpheus got up to try to help, but was treated to a Blaze of Death, after which Sean and Damien lifted him up and tossed him over the top rope and onto the ring steps outside. Fucking ouch. Ozzy tried getting back into the ring, but was tossed out again, hitting the ring barrier. The assault continued on Brooks until Dynamo finally got up and nailed him with the Dragon Meteor Press. Then the Pyro guys lifted Brooks up like a rag doll and threw him out of the ring where he went crashing through the Norwegian Announce Table at ringside. The ref at ringside threw up the X sign, and trainers came down to check on him. Needless to say, he was out of the match.

At this point, Ozzy managed to roll his way back into the ring, and he was met by the wall of Pyro guys. They clearly planned this from the beginning, drawing the lines between brands. It seems that in the process of wanting to impress the boss, they also wanted to make a statement at Insanity’s expense. Poor Ozzy, is all I have to say about that. These guys started pulling Act II of the beat Insanity show, when Ozzy managed to feint out of the trap and nail Kaiser with the I Crush-A You Face. Instant bloody mess. I think it broke his nose. This just pissed the Pyro Guys off even more, and they went at Ozzy with renewed vigor, including the bloody Kaiser.

Then Morph woke up.

I didn’t know the big guy could move that fast. He was in the ring, literally screaming, as he started to clean house. First, Jensen and then Blaze were tossed out on their asses, and then he went and grabbed the bloody Kaiser, smashing him head first into Dynamo and flattening the two of them. Ozzy, with a moment to breathe, crawled over to the corner, while Morph went to task on Kaiser. He lifted Kaiser up for the Dream Vortex, only instead of planting him head first onto the mat, he jumped to the side and brought him down head first on the ring post, leaving him to crumple to the ground at ringside. Shades of the old Hardcore Champ showing through.

Blaze and Jensen were back in at this point, beating down on Morpheus and tossing him back to the outside. Ozzy had started fighting back, getting the best of Dynamo for a moment before the rest of Team Pyro showed up and turned the tables back in favor of the numbers game. Dynamo locked Ozzy in the Dragon Trap and it was clear that Ozzy was out, but still Dynamo wouldn’t release the hold. Blaze tried to get him to let it go, but Jensen argued with him and nailed him with the Malpractice. Dissention in the ranks!

Sean started posing for the crowd when Morpheus rolled back in behind him and nailed him with a Dream Vortex for his vanity. He then saw Dynamo, still with the Dragon Trap locked in on Ozzy. Morpheus smiled, hit the ropes, and nailed Dynamo with an old school PWNT Kick from back in his Paragon days, which got a massive pop from the crowd. Morph lifted his arm once, twice, three times and it just fell to the mat. He was out cold. Morph dragged him over and tossed him out of the ring. He went to check on Ozzy, who was also out, and he managed to roll him to the apron just in time to be attacked from behind by Blaze.

Morpheus took a bit of a beating before making a comeback, just in time to be descended upon by Jensen. Once again the numbers were in Pyro’s favor, 2 to 1. However, the alliance didn’t hold up, as Blaze turned on Jensen for the previous insult, and it devolved into all three men brawling intensely with each other when all of a sudden…

The bell rang.

The announcer said that the time limit had expired and Kross made his way back out to the stage. He said that he was very impressed by everyone in this match, and that he could see things were heating up in this brand warfare. He said that he had been given a lot to think about, especially by the three men still left standing in the ring. He said he had so much to think about that he was going to hold off on announcing who his pick as the winner is until All Stars itself, then congratulated the three men in the ring and headed to the back.

As Morph was leaving the ring, Jensen grabbed him and hit him with the Malpractice. As he celebrated, Blaze grabbed him and hit him with the Blaze of Death. Damien looked down at the two men in the ring, and then headed off up the ramp to end the show.

Some major questions now. First, does this match count in the tally of Pyro vs. Insanity matches? Second, who the hell will be the winner here? Third, will Morph and Dynamo be in any shape to wrestle the matches they have at All Stars? I suppose we’re just going to have to tune in to All Stars and find out. Those bastards.

Damien Blaze :: Sean Jensen :: Morpheus
Paul Brooks :: Ozzy Crerar :: Dick Dynamo :: Kaiser Teiwaz

Mikey's Thoughts: This match was awesome. No rules, no stipulations, just 15 minutes to make the boss stand up and take notice, which is exactly what he did; took notice. Some good strong showings tonight, especially from the final three. Although I seriously question Morpheus’ wisdom in signing on for this match when he has to defend his title at All Stars proper against Big B. Brown. He definitely won’t be heading out there at 100%, so that might throw a bit of a monkeywrench into his plans. Especially if he’s NOT chosen as the winner. What a dumbass. Once more reason to catch All Stars, I suppose. Still, how awesome would it be if my Martinez Cup scenario comes to pass? Genius!


All in all, I'd say Vertigo was pretty damn awesome, despite only having one match on the card. To be fair, it was a pretty damn awesome match, though. And not announcing the winner until All Stars? Damn, they are seriously stacking that show to be some must-see second-coming-of-the-Lord type shit. Seriously, what does this show NOT have going for it? I mean, sure, no Jeff Watson, but look at everything else we DO have! I for one will be tuning in, and I’m a jaded prick! I’ll be back next month for the next round of tapings, and in the meantime, don't forget to wipe, and stay off the pipe, while all you haters out there can feel free to suck down a hot spicy bowl of cock. Righteous.

Mikey Moose (Mike_Rulz@hotmail.com)