The pyro goes off inside the arena as "Death Valley Superstars" by the Murderdolls fills the stadium with bright lights and acrid smoke. The cheers of the Welsh crowd overpowers the explosions as the show opens. The camera pans around the arena, showing a packed house on their feet for the LPW Insanity brand. The camera then cuts to the commentary booth at ringside where Blazing Phoenix is seated next to The Rik.

Phoenix: Welcome, everyone, to LPW Insanity, coming to you LIVE from Cardiff, Wales!

Rik: So close to home, and yet so unmercifully far.

Phoenix: We are here in the United Kingdom to bring you a very special night of professional wrestling action.

Rik: Yes. Special. That’s an excellent way to put it.

Phoenix: Tonight isn’t just any ordinary Insanity show, Ladies and Gentlemen. Tonight, by the decree of the Master Chief himself, every single championship on the Insanity brand will be put up for grabs at the second ever incarnation of Insanity GOLD!

Rik: Unfortunately, that means that my beloved Pyromania brand will not be represented here tonight, which of course also means that the match quality will be unbearably low.

Phoenix: It’s time you got used to your new environs, Rik. Insanity is your home now!

Rik: There’s a difference between “home” and “prison,” Pheonix. Well, maybe not where you’re from.

Phoenix: Despite what my partner is implying-

Rik: I prefer colleague, Phoenix. Partner means something completely different now than it did when you were my age.

Phoenix: Fair enough. We have a great line-up for you tonight, folks. First up, we have a World Television Championship Match that will see Steve Storme defend his title against a challenger who earned their spot in this match at the last Insanity show, The Baroness!

Rik: When will women learn that they have n place inside a wrestling ring? Particularly against a man? Probably never, due to their inferior intellects. Speaking of inferior things, Cyborg Lincoln will take on Damien Blaze in defense of his not-quite-shiny-but-nonetheless-new Hardcore Championship. That’s right. A Vampire vs. a Robot.

Phoenix: Indeed it is, and that should be quite the interesting match. We’re also looking forward to a United States Championship Match between the reigning Utramarcus and his opponent, a newly focused Ozzy Crerar. We will also see The Awakened in the form of Steve Storme and Azreal defend their Undisputed World Tag Team Championships against Blackwell and Bobino!

Rik: Steve Storme pulling double duty? Well, perhaps this show won’t be a complete wash then. Although, perhaps I spoke too soon, because in our Mediocre Event of the evening, which will see Big. B. Brown challenge Morpheus for the LPW World Heavyweight Championship. I believe that we may just have found the cure for nacolepsy.

Phoenix: I don’t know what you’re on about, Rik. That’s a great Main Event! Also, in addition to all this great action, we also had a hell of a show earlier tonight on Vertigo where Trey Spruance defeated the debuting Mike The Yank.

Rik: Don’t remind me…

Phoenix: Not only that, but we also had a Number One Contender’s Match for the Television Title between Paul Brooks, and LPW Hall-Of-Famer, Phantom Lord! Both of these men were looking to finally end their respective losing streaks, but only one hand was raised in victory. Let’s take a look at what happened in that match in our Vertigo ReView, brought to you by Doctor Who: Series Six – now available on DVD and Blu-Ray! 


The video package shows quick clips of Paul Brooks and Phantom Lord coming down to the ring to their respective entrance themes, then cuts to a shot of the two men staring each other down in the ring.


Phoenix: There’s more than just a shot at the TV title on the line here, Rik. Both of these men are looking to put an end to the losing streaks they’ve been on of late.
 
Rik: And yet, no matter who wins, we all lose.

Phoenix: If he can stay on top of Phantom Lord, Brooks may just pull off his first ever singles victory here in LPW!

Rik: Seriously? The first?

Phoenix: Yes, so far his only victory has been in a tag team match.

Rik: Well, that just reinforces that theory.

Phoenix: Which theory is that?

Rik: That Paul Brooks challenging for the Television Title is one of the seven signs of the Apocalypse. Not the defunct stable, but the actual end of all things.

The video package cuts quickly between shots showing each man hitting some big time offense on the other. After a few moments, the video cuts to show the end of the match.


Phoenix: Brooks is in a bad way here. Phantom Lord is on fire, and he is just taking it to the young rookie with leg drop after leg drop.

Rik: I don’t think I’ve seen Phantom Lord with this much intensity in the entire time I’ve known him. Which is quite a long while.

Phoenix: Brooks is completely non-responsive as Phantom locks in a triangle choke. The referee is checking on Brooks and… Yes! This one is over!

Rik: Perhaps there IS a God after all…

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, here is your winner, and NEW Number One Contender to the LPW World Television Championship… PHAAAAAAAAAAANNNTOOOOOOOMMMMMM LLLLLOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRD!!!!

Phoenix: Phantom has finally snapped the losing streak he has been on, and with authority! He has earned the right to challenge for the title he created so many years ago.

Rik: The real winner here tonight, though, is Steve Storme.

Phoenix: How do you figure?

Rik: Well, after pulling double duty later tonight, he could use a nice easy challenge for his title next week.

Phoenix: I think it’s a mistake to overlook Phantom Lord here, Rik.

Rik: Well, that would be your first mistake.

Phoenix: What would?

Rik: Thinking.

Phantom Lord looks down at Brooks as he lay unconscious in the ring, then climbs to the second turnbuckle and celebrates his victory. The crowd gets behind the Hall of Famer as his elation at winning the match is written clearly across his face. He gestures around his waist, and then raises his right hand in the air as the image cuts back to the Vertigo logo.


Rik: Whoever had the idea of showing those recaps should be drawn and quartered.

Phoenix: We’ve got a great show lined up for the rest of the night, so let’s get this party started, shall we?

An image of an American Flag waving in the breeze appears on the InsaniTron and the live crowd begins to boo loudly.

Rik: Ahh… It’s times like these that I miss home.

”God Bless The U.S.A.” by Lee Greenwood starts playing over the P.A. as Master Chief Phillips makes his way out onto the stage to a mixed reaction from the crowd.

Phoenix: It would appear that our brand’s General Manager has an announcement to make.

Rik: This should be interesting. Unfortunately, I doubt it will be.

The music fades out as Master Chief stands at attention, surveying the crowd, who slowly begin to quiet down. He raises a microphone to his lips and begins to speak.

Chief: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Insanity GOLD, LIVE from CARDIFF!

The crowd pops huge at the mention of their hometown, and a small Sheepster chant breaks out.

Chief: Now, I promise to try not to take up too much of your time here tonight, but there is an announcement that I have to make.

The crowd once again slowly returns to silence as the Chief looks on with a blank expression.

Chief: I was brought on in the role of General Manager of the Insanity Brand of LPW to restore order to a faltering brand. To right the sinking ship, as it were. Under the regime of one Eric Scorpio, things here had begun to deteriorate rapidly, and things were falling into chaos. When Mr. Kross hired me, he did so because he knew that I had what it takes to turn things around and bring things back under control. It’s not easy for me to say this, but…

Master Chief looks down at the ground at his feet.

Chief: I have failed.

A murmur passes through the live crowd as Chief remains silent for a moment.

Chief: Despite my efforts, it seems Insanity is no less chaotic than it was the day I assumed this role. There is no better evidence of this than last Insanity. A federal agent was viciously assaulted during an investigation, a contracted talent was thrown from the top of the InsaniTron through the stage and has yet to regain consciousness, my daughter…

The crowd lets out a collective “ooooooh” as Chief’s fist clenches and his face turns red.

Chief: To top it all off, I wasn’t even able to protect my own daughter. If there is any bigger indicator of my own failings as a leader, then I can’t imagine what it could be. This brand, even with me at the helm, has truly lived up to its name: Insanity. It seems the inmates are truly running the asylum.

There’s a small pop from the crowd which is swiftly stifled as the crowd realizes the seriousness of what is being said.

Chief: Until tonight.

Master Chief looks back up at the crowd once more, who are silent as he continues.

Chief: The members of the Insanity roster have pushed… And pushed… And pushed… And now, a line has been crossed. A line that cannot ever be uncrossed. For too long now, people have been running amok, doing whatever they please with next to no consequences. For too long now, people have thrown the rules and tenets of basic morality out the window and acted without concern for anyone but themselves. For too long now, people have not been held accountable for their actions. People like… The Awakened…

A mixed reaction erupts from the crowd.

Chief: … Among many… Many others. Starting tonight, those accounts are being audited, and people will answer for their actions. There will be no more blind eyes turned, and no more transgressions overlooked. Tonight, I am declaring Martial Law over the Insanity Brand, and anyone who breaks that law will be held accountable. Eye… For an Eye.

The crowd pops for the Chief’s announcement, though it is clear from the looks on the majority of their faces that they are not yet sure what this means.

Chief: There’s an old saying… “Demons Run when a good man goes to war.” Congratulations, Insanity. You’ve pushed this good man too far. Now, you will reap what you’ve sown. This war has just begun… And it’s one I do NOT intend to lose.

”God Bless The U.S.A.” by Lee Greenwood starts playing over the P.A. once more as Master Chief Phillips salutes the camera and the crowd pops. He turns on his heel and heads to the back as his music continues to play.

Phoenix: Martial Law? That can’t be good news for the Insanity Roster, Rik.

Rik: Can he even do that?

Phoenix: He’s the General Manager. I think he can do what he wants.

Rik: What did I just tell you about thinking?

Phoenix: One thing is for sure, though. This definitely means rough waters ahead for The Awakened.

Rik: Well, Morpheus should have kept a tighter rein on his toadies. They were the primary ones making all the waves that threaten to capsize them now, so they have no one but themselves to blame.

Phoenix: Hey, you actually ran with my metaphor. That might be a first.

Rik: And now, a last.

Master Chief Phillips is seen marching promptly down the halls of the backstage area when one of his production assistants whispers something into his ear, showing a perceivable degree of concern in his body language. Phillips scowls and continues to hike towards his office where not too long, a slaughtered lamb is being tended to by EMTs.

Master Chief: What the hell is going on right now?

Assistant: Sir, we need to remove you from the premises. Your office is considered a hot zone for paranormal activity.

Master Chief: Are you kidd….what’s going on in there?

As Master Chief Phillips approaches his GM suite and before he can barge in, he halts at the door which is marked by a huge gash of lamb’s blood covering the exterior. Several LPW officials stand nearby, their forearms covering their noses from the stench aroma of dead animal insides.

Assistant: We believe someone…or something…. who did this is inside your workplace. Now we know all your information is inside, but we have relocated your office to…

Master Chief: It’s him.

Assistant: Excuse me?

Master Chief: Did anyone take a look at who’s inside?

Assistant: Someone went in to look, but he never came out. Now if you will…

Master Chief: I didn’t get where I’m at by being a coward. I’m going in.

Assistant: I would highly advise you to not…

Before the assistant can finish his warning, Master Chief Phillips opens the door and steps inside a room which has been converted into an office, dark and foreboding, with a large desk sitting in the far end dimly lit by a single desk lamp with a wicker basket nestled right beside it.

Master Chief: You certainly know how to make your presence known around here. Lamb’s blood… I like the Passover touch…

The Insanity GM closes in towards the lit desk, but the cameraman stays in the hallway and out of the room to avoid what could be inside. Phillips tips in closer, ever so lightly to avoid any sudden movements that could cause commotion.

Master Chief: You’re amongst friends here. This is your home and you’re welcome here. Both of you…

As Master Chief is within five feet of the desk, a subtle movement is heard from behind the desk. The dim light only shows the back of the dark mahogany GM’s chair, which slowly begins to move, shadowing who could be sitting there.

Master Chief: Don’t be alarmed. I have a proposal that I’d like to share… with both of you…

Five giggles ricochet throughout the blackened room as Phillips turns back towards the open doorway in fear of something he hadn’t sensed when he had first walked in. The entity behind the chair begins to turn towards the lamp, but before the scene can reveal who’s behind the desk, the bloodied door suddenly shuts in front of the camera, leaving LPW personnel scrambling as to what to do now.

[INDENT][/INDENT]

Master Chief is shown walking down the hallway and entering his new office. He stops in the doorway with his back to the camera, blocking the view inside the office.

Chief: This is becoming a trend.

Voice: That was one hell of a speech, Phillips.

Chief: Served its purpose.

Voice: Too bad you’ll never be able to pull it off.

Chief: How do you figure?

Voice: Declaring Martial Law over the Insanity Brand? It sounds nice, sure. But it’s a taller order than you can handle.

Chief: Are you going to tell me what the hell you’re talking about, or just sit there with a smug grin on your ugly face?

Voice: Ugly, is it? Well, I am sure it is, now. Now that I, too, have been a victim of the very anarchy you are trying to fight back against.

Chief: Your point?

Voice: My point is, I have a vested interest in this situation. I truly do want to see you succeed in your endeavors, Master Chief. However, one man alone can’t do what you intend to do. Not even you.

Chief: Is that so?

Voice: You need resources. You need allies. Particularly, allies on the board of trustees of LPW.

Chief: Kross knows what I’m planning to do.

Voice: I am sure he does, but as the de facto head of this entire company, he can’t be seen to be getting himself involved in this type of situation. You need someone on the inside of the corporate game who can back you up without repercussion.

Chief: And just how do you propose I go about finding such a person?

Voice: I’m here to answer your prayers. You see, you need resources to pull this off. Capital. Not just physical capital, but political capital as well.

Chief: I am hoping you are coming to your point.

Voice: I am. If there is one thing I have, in abundance, it’s capital. I can provide the capital you need to put your regime into effect. Money to hire security forces. Money to make up for possible revenue losses due to the… removal… of certain undesirable elements. Money to help make your dreams a reality. Not only that, but I have just used a substantial portion of the aforementioned capital in a major asset acquisition.

Chief: Let’s pretend we’re not all loaded and speak English for Poor Folks.

Voice: Sure thing. I just bought a whole load of stock in LPW, and am now the prominent minority shareholder on the Board of Trustees. In other words, not only do I have the monetary capital you want, but I also have the political capital you need in order to make your Martial Law a reality.

Chief: And all I have to do is sell my soul to the devil…

Voice: Well, now, that’s a bit overdramatic, don’t you think?

Chief: If the shoe fits.

Voice: Fine, whatever suits you. Though I am not expecting you to… Sell your soul to me, as you put it. In fact, I am envisioning a relationship based more in equality. A… Partnership, if you will.

Chief: You’re kidding me, right? A partnership… With you? I can just imagine how THAT would work out.

Voice: Well, if you’re not interested…

The sound of a chair creaking can be heard as the man inside the office rises to his feet.

Chief: Wait…

A moment of silence passes.

Chief: A partnership…

Voice: A partnership. Nothing gets done without your go ahead, and we discuss all pertinent decisions to come to a mutually beneficial resolution.

A long moment of silence passes before the Chief speaks again, mumbling to himself.

Chief: I have a feeling I am going to regret this…

Master Chief Phillips steps inside the office, letting the door close behind him.

Chief: I’m listening.

[/color]




Phoenix: That’s right, folks. We’re gearing up for Altered Reality 6! It’s an exciting time to be a wrestling fan, that’s for sure!

Rik: Wrestling fans watch Pyromania, Phoenix. NASCAR fans and drug addicts watch this show. And virgins.


Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one-fall, and it is for the LPW Television Championship! Introducing first, the challenger! From Bitchville, Australia, The BAAAARRRRROOOONNEEEEEESSSSSSSS!

"Get What I Want" by Bitter:Sweet plays as the Baroness makes her way down to the ring to light boos and catcalls from the male-heavy audience.

Announcer: And the champion! He hails from Killa Cali, and weighs in tonight at 228 lbs. He is the LPW Television Champion, AND one half of the LPW Undisputed Tag Team Champions, STEEEEEEEVVEEEEE STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORME!

Storme appears at the top of the ramp to a chorus of heavy boos as he holds his titles high.

Phoenix: Steve Storme is looking to make another defense of his Television Championship tonight, at the expense of the impressive Baroness.

Rik: If I were to engage in gambling, then I believe it would be a safe bet to put money on the champion in this contest.

Phoenix: You don't think the Baroness could pull the victory here?

Rik: I think that young Steven has defeated several up-and-coming superstars defending that belt, so I'm expecting him to make short work of this woman.

In the ring, the referee rings the bell and Storme nails the Baroness with a spinning backhand.

Rik: And Storme seems determined to prove me right, leveling the Baroness right out of the gate with a backhanded slap to the face.

As she starts to rise, Storme bounces off the ropes with a running dropkick. He follows up with a number of hard kicks to the back and stomach as the Baroness struggles to her feet.

Phoenix: That's hardly sporting of him, he's keeping the Baroness floored with repeated kicks.

Storme turns to taunt the fans for a moment, and when he turns back the Baroness lunges at him, leveling him with a spear before raining blows down on him.

Rik: Storme loses the advantage thanks to some poorly timed theatrics. I really expected better from him.

Phoenix: The Baroness isn't complaining, as she's gaining the upper hand with those repeated blows to the face.

Dismounting, the Baroness runs the ropes before cartwheeling, landing knee-first on Storme's neck.

Phoenix: Now that's a move I'm not sure I've ever seen before, a cartwheeling knee drop from the challenger.

Rik: There's no way Storme could have seen that coming, no one else in the company would even think to use moves like that.

Grabbing Storme's head, the Baroness locks in a dragon sleeper.

Phoenix: That's the Baroness' favored submission maneuver, the Nightmare Boulevard, and she is just wrenching away at Storme's spine!

Storme does a complete backwards flip, breaking the hold and transitioning to an inverted DDT, slamming the Baroness into the mat.

Rik: Baroness locked in a submission too early, and Storme managed to escape before any real damage was done, taking the Baroness down. Women… Am I right, fellas?

Phoenix: I think he's done with this now, Rik, as he's climbing the turnbuckles.

Rik: Moonsault! Storme hits the moonsault from the top rope.

Storme lands a few more stiff kicks to the Baroness, but she manages to push him away long enough to scramble to her feet. She charges forward and goes for a tilt-a-whirl DDT but gets caught.

Phoenix: The Baroness tried to get momentum, but Storme just cut her off. He slams her back-first into the turnbuckle before slamming her into the mat.

The Baroness is quick to her feet this time, but Storme knocks her down with a roundhouse kick.

Phoenix: Stiff kick from Storme there, we heard the impact all the way over here.

Rik: He's going for a cover!

1!... 2!... kickout!

Phoenix: Too early for that, Baroness isn't out yet.

Storme takes a moment to yell obscenities at the referee, which were tactfully censored.

Rik: Now that kind of language is simply uncalled for.

After a moment, Storme turns to catch a kick to the gut from the Baroness' high heels. She goes for a DDT but suddenly stops short, absolutely furious.

Rik: Did he just...

Phoenix: Spank the Baroness? Yes he did.

Rik: Now he's just acting disgracefully, there is no reason to treat a woman like that!

Phoenix: I think she agrees with you, she just slapped Storme across the face.

Storme snaps back from the slap and spits a green mist into the Baroness' face, sending her reeling.

Phoenix: Storme just pulled out the poison mist while the ref's back was turned! That stings like nothing you've ever seen!

Rik: End of Discord! Storme followed up on the mist with a picture-perfect End of Discord, and I think the match is over.

1!..2!...3!

Announcer: Your winner, as a result of a pinfall, and STILL LPW Television Champion, STEEEEEEVVEEE STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRME!

Steve Storme (4.21 APS + 1.6 V = 5.81 Total)
The Baroness (4.15 APS + 0.8 V = 4.95 Total

The Rik: That was truly a disgrace, but hopefully she learned her place as once again Steve Storme retains his championship.

Storme heads up the ramp, his title raised high overhead as the Baroness lies unmoving in the center of the ring.

Phoenix: That was a brutal match, Rik-

Rik: In more ways than one.

Phoenix: –and though Storme has already made his way to the back, it appears that The Baroness still isn’t moving.

Rik: Just lying there on her back in the middle of the ring. I believe nothing more needs to be said.

Phoenix: The ref is calling for trainers from the back now, and they are on their way. Things might be a little more serious than I first thought, Rik.

Rik: She brought it upon herself. Women don’t belong in the ring, especially not against men. And especially not one so obviously prone to domestic abuse as is Steve Storme. Now maybe she’s learned her lesson.

Phoenix: How does it feel to have no soul, Rik?

Rik: Marvelous. How does it feel to be second place in a two-man race for Best Insanity Commentator?

The trainer and the referee roll The Baroness out of the ring and help her to the back. The crowd starts to cheer for her as they make their way up the ramp, and then to the back.

Phoenix: It looks like this might be the last we see of The Baroness for a while.

Rik: One can only hope.

”New Born” by Muse hits the P.A. system and the crowd goes absolutely nuts as Sheepster makes his way out onto the stage, holding a microphone in one hand and a basket of muffins in the other. He stands on the stage, smiling as he surveys his hometown crowd, and they continue pouring on the adulation. After a long moment, the music fades, the crowd quiets, and he raises the mic to his lips.

Sheepster: Well, well. It certainly is good to be home. This is a big deal for me. Not only am I standing here on an LPW show, but that show is emanating live from my very own hometown of Cardiff!

The crowd pops huge once again at the mention of their city.

Sheepster: It’s definitely good to be here, visiting old friends and spreading good cheer. And good muffins!

The crowd pops and laughs at Sheepster’s remark.

Sheepster: Now, I have been given a special privilege here tonight. As you all know, long-time LPW star Andy Savana was thrown of the InsaniTron last week, and has been taken out of action for an indeterminate period of time at the dastardly hands of that dastardly Ultramarcus.

The crowd boos heavily at the mention of the incident.

Sheepster: I know. He used to be such a nice boy. Anywho, tonight, I am honored to be able to be out here to get a status update on Andy’s health from his heterosexual life mate, Bunny!

”Bullet With Butterfly Wings” by the Smashing Pumpkins plays over the P.A. as Bunny makes her way out onto the stage. The crowd cheers for her as she gives a quick wave and steps up next to Sheepster. The music fades out as Sheepster begins to speak.

Sheepster: Bunny, allow me to offer my condolences on the dastardly attack that dastardly Ultramarcus dastardly…ly… committed against Andy.

Bunny: Thank you, Sheepster.

Sheepster: Everyone is waiting with baited breath to- Baited breath. Where do you suppose they came up with that phrase, anyway? Oh, nevermind. Right. Bunny, people are curious as to how Andy is faring. Can you give us an update on his condition?

Bunny: Well, he’s still listed in critical condition, and he has yet to regain consciousness since the attack. The doctors are telling me to remain optimistic, but with each day that passes, the chances of him waking up diminish.

Sheepster: I’m sorry to hear that, Bunny. You must be devastated.

Bunny: Devastated? I’m PISSED! I know Andy’s going to wake up someday, and he’s going to give Marcus what’s coming to him for what he’s done. But for now, I’m left in the lurch, and I want nothing more than to take my aggression out on someone! I want the chance to prove why I am the baddest bitch in LPW!

The crowd pops at this outburst.

Bunny: Unfortunately, it looks like the only other contracted female competition around here just got shelved for the foreseeable future, so I’m left with no one to face.

”How Soon Is Now” by t.A.T.u. plays over the P.A. system as Lacey Valentine makes her way out onto the stage, holding a microphone in one hand, and a basket in the other. She waves to the crowd and giggles a little as the music fades.

Sheepster: Hello there, attractive young blonde female. I don’t believe we’ve been properly introduced. I’m Sheepster; former LPW World Heavyweight Champion.

Lacey: Oh, it’s so nice to meet you, Sheepster. I’m Lacey. Lacey Valentine.

Bunny: And you want, what, exactly?

Lacey: Well, Bunny, I couldn’t help but overhear what you were saying just a moment ago, and I figured I would come and introduce myself.

Bunny: And, why exactly should I want to meet you?

Lacey: Because, silly, I’m also a contracted female competitor here in LPW, as of tonight! But unfortunately, I don’t have a match planned for the immediate future, which is just the pits, if you ask me. So, when I heard you were looking for someone to take on, well, imagine my excitement!

Bunny: You want a match with me?

Lacey: Oh, sure! Doesn’t that sound like fun?

Bunny: Oh, it’ll be fun alright. For me. Next Insanity, prepare to have your ass kicked, bitch!

The expression on Lacey Valentine’s face contorts in rage.

Lacey: Call me bitch again and I will end you where you stand, Whore.

Bunny looks on in shock for a moment as Lacey’s expression softens to a smile once more.

Lacey: Next Insanity, then. It’s a date!

”Bullet With Butterfly Wings” by the Smashing Pumpkins plays over the P.A. as Bunny makes her way to the back, eyeing Lacey Valentine warily. Sheepster smiles and waves as the crowd pops huge once more. He starts tossing muffins from his basket out into the crowd. Seeing this, Lacey’s face contorts in rage once more, and she attacks Sheepster from behind, cracking him over the head with her own basket and knocking him to the ground, unconscious as the music cuts off abruptly.

Lacey: NO ONE gives out muffins but ME, you son of a bitch!

The crowd starts to boo loudly. After a moment, the look of rage on Lacey’s face softens once again to a smile and she raises the microphone back to her lips.

Lacey: Who wants muffins?

”How Soon Is Now” by t.A.T.u. plays over the P.A. system as Lacey Valentine starts tossing her muffins out to the crowd. The boos lighten and eventually turn to cheers, because if there is one thing that the Welsh, as a people, love above all else, it’s got to be muffins.

[INDENT][/INDENT]

We cut to a darkened room, where two figures stand with their back to the camera. The only light in the room comes from paused pictures of news reporters and other people on a large number of televisions of every size and shape. The light shows off the large spikes of hair on the head of the man of the left, while the only thing seen of the man on the right are the long, thin pieces of material that hang from the back of his head and down his shoulders. The man with the spiked hair turns to his counterpart. His counterpart nods as the man on left picks up a remote and presses a button, springing all the televisions to life.

Irish News Reporter: It was here, last night at eleven fifty PM in Temple Bar, that a vigilante saved a University Student’s life from a once convicted murderer, Pat Duffy, aged fifty ni-

Posh Northern English Reporter: North Yorkshire Police have confirmed that a young man was defended by mysterious masked man. We now go live to the victim-

Policeman: Metropolitan Police Service have confirmed that the individual that saved Mustafa El-Shawky from an attempted racial attack is unknown and at large-

Youtube Blogger: There has to be a link behind all these! These vigilante sightings have been reported for a year and a half in Britain! Something has to be up!

Youtube Blogger #2 These reports are a lie. It’s the British Government’s way of making us feel safe on the streets with police roaming about!

This video strikes a chord with the man on the right as he responds with a loud snarl.

Welsh Reporter: Yesterday, in Swansea’s notorious Wind Street, a masked man fought off a mugger who tried to rob Lola Stevens, aged twenty one-

Merseyside Reporter: Local police have announced that CCTV images of a mysterious, masked assailant have been released to the public.

This draws the response of the man on the left who although quietly, audibly says “sh*t”.

Generic News Reporter: Police have warned that the public should not enter areas with high crime rates in the aim of witnessing the so-called “21st-Century Urban Myth”.

Z-List Celebrity: We need everyone to help this guy out! Like, you know, he’s a hero because he’s saving people. Like, everyone should log onto my website and join our group and together we can, like, help this mystery dude. YAY!

Channel 4 Reporter: In other news, it has been reported that the vigilante phenomenon has lately been witnessed being stalked by a man in his mid-twenties. Just trying to help? Or incredibly stupid? Find out after the-

The last report causes the man on the right to nudge the man on the left.

City of London Police: We can confirm that the identity and background of the vigilante is unknown.

Suddenly, the pictures change to the word “unknown” across every screen with various voices joining in.


Finally, the screen cuts to some wrestling action.

[/B]“

The man on the left turns the televisions off and turns to his fellow man, all the while keeping their backs to the camera.

[/color]


Phoenix: It looks like the Insanity Roster is about to have a new addition, Rik!

Rik: Seriously, where do they find these people? Wait, on second thought… I don’t want to know.

Phoenix: Next up, we have quite the interesting matchup, folks.

Rik:  You can say that again.

Phoenix:  ...Next up, we have quite the interesting matchup, folks.

Rik:  Really?

Phoenix:  The Hardcore Championship  will be defended by newly crowned Champion, Cyborg Lincoln!

Rik:  'Ol Tin head has been pretty successful thus far in his career, but tonight, he faces dark forces he is sure to be unfamiliar with.  He must take on a creature of the night.


The rat-a-tat-tat of guitar and drums fill the arena as "Bat Country" by Avenged Sevenfold heralds the arrival of a bloodthirsty hardcore competitor.

Announcer:  The following match will be competed under Hardcore Rules, and will be for the LPW Hardcore Championship!  Making his way to the ring from Transylvania by way of Austin, Texas, he is DAMIEN BLAZE!!!

The crowd hums in anticipation of Damien's arrival... but he never appears on the ramp.

Phoenix:  Ok, now what is this all about?

Rik:  I really don't know what to think of this guy.  I mean, he thinks he's a vampire.  He says he likes to drink blood.  Now he's no-showing a title match?  What's this guy's deal?

The thumping techno beats of "Derezzed" by Daft Punk pick the crowd back up.

Announcer:  Erm... making his way to the ring... I think... is the LPW Hardcore Champion!  Cyborg Lincoln!

The crowd pops for the new Hardcore Champion, but once again, no one appears on the ramp.

Rik:  Seriously, people.  What in the blue hell is going on around here??

Phoenix:  Wait!  Wait!  I'm getting word that there is some sort of altercation taking place backstage!  We're sending a ref back there, now!

Rik:  Are you telling me the Hardcore Championship match is already underway?  And they don't even have a ref?

Phoenix:  Um... sort of.  Wait.  Now they're telling me... What?  You're kidding… Well, alright then. Ladies and gentlemen, it appears that we're receiving a live feed directly from the visual circuitry of Cyborg Lincoln!

Rik:  Oh, give me a friggin' break.

Phoenix:  But it's true!  We won't be able to call this match due to technical issues with this dated technology, but you will see the match in its entirety!

The Insanity feed flickers and scatters into snow before zig zagging and sliding across the screen like a scrambled porno, before righting itself.  Everything is covered with a green hue, and a heads up display covers the corners of the screen like a video game.

Lincoln is lumbering down a hallway, and into a large boiler room.  Once he enters, his red targeting system locks onto an object above his head.  He looks upward to see the fanged Damien Blaze perched atop a ledge.  The cyborg fires a small rocket, but Blaze lunges fangs-first toward the lone light hanging from the ceiling, knocking it out.  The screen immediately goes black, save for the HUD. 

Words flash across the center of the screen:

[/size]


The screen immediately turns to shades of black and red, like the screen of a Virtual Boy.  Shards of light bulb are still raining down from the ceiling.  Cyborg Lincoln's head swivels from side to side, searching for his target when a loud CLANG is heard behind him.  Slowly, and Terminator-like, the robotic monster turns 180 degrees, far too slow to catch his target.  More and more clangs are heard from all around him.  Sparks begin to fly from his metal appendages, as something (presumably Blaze) continues to rap him with a large metal object.  Unfortunately for the attacker, the rapping has caused minimal damage.  Mere scratches adorn Cyborg Lincoln's frame.

Suddenly, a loud CLANK is heard, followed by a painful scream.  Lincoln turns his head to see two scratch marks that resemble those of teeth on his shoulder area.

The sound of a frustrated, perhaps exhausted, sigh escapes the lungs of the invisible attacker as Cyborg Lincoln turns again, backing up to the wall to keep his enemy in front.

A small hint of color appears in the back of the room.  Due to a horrid miscalculation involving the cold nature of a vampire and terribly outdated infrared technology, Cyborg Lincoln comes to the startling conclusion that he cannot use this technique to identify the location of his pesky foe.

Realizing his folly, another phrase blinks across the center of the screen.

[/color][/b][/size]

The screen returns to a green hue, but far more bright than before.  Within seconds, the cyborg locks onto his target.  Just as he initiates his rocket launcher, he notices a demonic grin torn across the face of the vampire.  A moment's pause is all it takes for the undead warrior to gain the high ground, as his newly acquired electromagnet violently pulls Cyborg Lincoln toward it, smashing him into the concrete wall at the back of the room.

Blaze continues to swing the massive magnet from side to side, crashing the Hardcore Champion into wall after wall, sending concrete debris into the air.  Once again, a message flashes across the center of the screen.

[/color][/size]

Damien Blaze is reveling in the massive amounts of damage he's causing his opponent.  Cyborg Lincoln has experienced catastrophic injury during this exchange.  One arm is missing.  His visor is cracked.  He is leaking hydraulic fluid everywhere.

The confident Blaze begins to taunt his foe, but is unfortunately tripped up by the slippery fluid.  Within an instant, he finds himself falling and panics.  Instinctively, he reaches for the magnet, but accidentally finds himself inside the curve of the massive object.

The look of terror is evident on the vampire's face as the magnet, carrying him, flies across the room, crashing Cyborg Lincoln into the wall HARD.  Lincoln's frame ricochets off the wall and falls forward, landing on top of the magnet, and sandwiching Blaze in between them and knocking him unconscious.  The robot lays immobile atop the unconscious vampire for a moment as a referee finally makes it into the dark room. He turns on a flashlight and sees the pinning combination on the floor. He springs into action, totally doing his job, and counts to three.

The screen flickers before returning to the arena.

Cyborg Lincoln (4.16 APS + 1.6 V = 5.76 Total)
Damien Blaze (4.06 APS + 0.8 V = 4.86 Total

Announcer: The winner of the match and STIIIIIILLLLL LPW Hardcore Champion.... CYBOOOOOOOORG LINCOOOOOOOOOLN!!!

Rik:  What.  In the hell.  Was that?

Phoenix:  That, my friend, was a successful title defense by our Hardcore Champion!

Rik:  I've officially seen everything.

Phoenix:  Trainers and apparently mechanics are rushing to the back to separate those two, but what a match!!

Rik:  That was a match?

"Derezzed" by Daft Punk hits the P.A. system as a damaged and leaking Cyborg Lincoln makes his way out to the ring. He climbs into the ring as the crowd cheers him on, rolling armless under the bottom rope and standing up in a pool of hydraulic fluid.

Rik: I am not paid enough for my services…

Cyborg Lincoln stomps around the ring allowing the audience to roar in approval for his retention of the Hardcore title.  As he climbs the far turnbuckle the light drops and the arena is flooded with a layer of smoke and the audience is washed in pink lights.  “Super Duper Man” by Toy Box hits the stereo and Pope Fred rumbles down the ramp toward the ring followed by Roseanne, Tara Reid, Neil Patrick Harris and Nick Minaj.  They gather in the ring.  Cyborg Lincoln steps down toward the center of the ring and is quickly surrounded by the celebrities.  Roseanne then perches herself in a sultry way where Cyborg Lincoln just retreated from.

Pope Fred: Well Mr. Cyborg Lincoln, you have found yourself in the unfortunate position of holding my title.  Now most people in your position might say – ‘Well at least I’m the champion now’ – that’s pretty cool – but really… really now, will you even remember yesterday if you’re really a robot?  See my problem with you is that I believe that robosexual behavior, like those required for your procreation or habitual recreation, is just unnatural and disgustingly fowl like a chicken.  Far be it from me as a gay man to deny you the right to marry another person – however you break that rule by being a robot, something that is clearly more akin to a dog or dolphin.

Roseanne: Can you get to the point of why we are here?

Pope Fred: Well – I made it clear that I don’t need to touch you.  In fact, that said I’m not allowed to touch you.  Seems like that would be a violation of my contract!  That’s right… see this here – it’s my contract to return to action here in the LPW and my first match is against you… FOR MY TITLE… THE LPW HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP!!!

As the crowd goes nuts over the excitement of the match that was just announced, Pope Fred and Roseanne quickly prep the three celebrities they brought with them.  Nicki Minaj being fitted with a megaphone, Tara Reid with mirrors, and Neil Patrick Harris with some type of ass-contraption.

Pope Fred: See Cyborg Lincoln I don’t need to touch you to hurt you.  I have Tara Reid’s Botched Boob Job… Nicki Minaj’s Annoying screech rap music, and hey, Neil Patrick Harris, what did you just eat?

Neil Patrick Harris:  I went to White Castle and have terrible gas!!!

The three celebrities torture Cyborg Lincoln only long enough to distract him while Roseanne climbed the turnbuckle behind his back and blasts Cyborg Lincoln with a Missile Drop Kick from the top turnbuckle.  Pope lifts Roseanne and they walk off as the three celebrities continue to screech, fart, and jiggle at the desperate champion Cyborg Lincoln.

Rik: Well, wasn’t that entertaining. I’m sorry, wait. I said that wrong. Allow me to correct myself. Ahem… Well, that wasn’t entertaining.

Phoenix: That’s huge news, though, Rik! Cyborg Lincoln will be defending his title against Pope Fred at the next Insanity!

Rik: I can wait.

Phoenix: You mean you can hardly wait, don’t you?

Rik: No, I said it right the first time. I can wait.

[INDENT][/INDENT]